Me and My perception system!

I can see patterns in the everything. Whether it be the headlights flashing on the thundering showers in the darkest of nights or in my own reflection which seems to differ every miniscule of a second.

I feel as though I have been cheated. I am the lone being alive in this world. Secluded from thoughts of other humans, safe in comfortability of the system of perception I have constructed. I can look at this monitor in the way that only I can. I can take this music in the way only I can. I live the way only I can.

Every move I make seems to be impulsive but I am being cheated. I have no choices because it all comes to the same end. A dull insipid non-living piece of ground . What is the point of surviving if we know where it is eventually going to culminate into.

We are slaves to the emotional patterns that rule our brain. Just take out the emotional quotient, then we are no longer humans. With the emotional quotient, we are but slaves. What is freedom?

We live for gaining cheap emotional happiness. I don't know why everytime I sleep I see pictures of myself drowning, wailing for one last grasp of breath, hoping someone will pull me out ....out into the blinding sunlight. We are all alone here. One for one, all for themselves. I can feel their breaths one my shoulders but I don't know if its true, they can even see my eyelids twitching but they don't see I am afraid.

What have I gained here? What have I lost? I will lose myself in the spurls of time never to return to these unworthy thoughts. There is no point pushing for the answer because harder I try to, the easier it slips out of my grasp.

On the other side, if I don't question myself and go on living, I am happy. I don't worry about anything. I always win over my petty feelings. I lose myself in the victories of imaginary challenges.I am an ignorant, corrupt, careless, untrustworthy person as far as I am concerned. I don't see the point in changing myself. I don't see any point in getting good marks for Physics. But I know I have to get it otherwise my perception system will change. We resist change....it is involuntary. I have a head for myself now and a world presenting wide range of experiences. It is the craving to get the best quality of experiences that makes us push on. Quality is the emotion that makes us the most comefortable in our perception change.

We are always curious. Curiousity can't be resisted. When there is someone that you haven't talked to and you believe that you will get the best *quality* experience on talking with the subject, you crave to speak to it. But, as you are nervous to talk or because you know that talking will result in an emotion that you aren't accustomed and you want it badly, you aren't able to do it . ;)