Thoughts on 12/12/06

Blue skies and white clouds smile
They lie to me "one more mile"
I smile and ask them "Why?"
For which they but sigh

"For you to enjoy life"
This breeze advises my cheeks
"For you to see mountains and reeks
For you to never lend a tear to these soils
For you to live life without turmoils"
I confide in them, my loudest beats
" Life is a dream without defeats
Every moment is to be cherished
Remembered, nurtured, replenished
See with my eyes, all wonders
all the pink, blue and lavenders"
"You are far from your dreams
Life is waving to you goodbye"
They lament but I know its a lie
" It is my life, where I am the hero
I don't care about the way I pass
I don't care about the wealth I amass
I live not to live but to be alive"
Even the almighty Red is sad
"I have told you what I had to, lad"
It bows down and lends to night
Long up, lies a speck of light
"Jump up to catch me, I am your destiny
You must face me, never flee"
Human bonds tie me to the ground
I don't know where I am bound
Deep inside my heart or in my eyes?
I try to smile but my throat cries
" Why do you defy the truth?
They tell life begins at youth"
The light glimmers in eager
" Reach out with power, not meager
This moment will not return
You must cherish it but never turn -
from your life when it beckons
Half the time, life is a good dream
The rest half is for you to find out"

First question is why ?

To save embarrassment
To be accepted
To receive adulation

Answered!

Now, tonight reads the time as 12:45 am or so, and I am up here in the terrace penning down half-soaken thoughts so that once I get this onto the maybe-toxic thinggy, somebody would start having that adulation for me.

First thing you need in order to achieve the goal is confidence. Then, a little bit of wit that would enable you to sneak into the reader's head and give him a little bit of surprise. Lastly, and not at all beastly, the satisfaction of having wrote something that you meant to.

You know, most of the times I get this worldly feeling when I drench myself on these late-night June showers. I shout out at the crimson clad clouds. No one would ever hear it and none is meant to too. Its the sort of thing that makes me feel that we are all out here on our own, buddy, and its not something tragic. Infact, its the thing that makes life more enchanting. The beauty of finding yourself and what all you can be.

Tonight is like any other night for the world and goes the same with me too and we all would forget it and never realise that we lived through these breaths. Isn't that the reason why these breaths are so invaluable ? There is that beauty of existence, the exciting shrill of the possible but unknown future.

Yes, I can feel my perceptions changing. The perceptions of a female frenzy 15 year old changing into a female frenzy 17 year old. Aah, the world is growing around me, and you know what I am going to do ? Make a fuss about it, publish it on the web and sleep.

Bye Bye Blues

I guess all the years that I have to take a Public Exam, my outlook becomes positive.

Vindicated

Suddenly one late night, I decide I am not going to drown in sleep. Consequently, I sit here in order to free myself of all the thoughts that might decide to sneak in on a cold, damp night.Holed up in the midst of a humid weather, and of actions and reactions provoked by prejudice rather than wisdom.
The atmosphere that lit up the days have thinned out. Now, its more confusing. Atleast, for the moment. I would have to settle all the frustrations that I have got used to, so much used to, that, I can't barely live without those. Breathing free isn't something in comprehension because right now I would doubtlessly testify that I am breathing free while I do know that I am not.
I have discovered that I am cold and pale in the inner-folds. There's nothing more to it. All for sympathy, admiration and lust. People say that we decide who we want to be. Maybe, to a length, but, what stays imbibed, stays. I am wasting my time in thoughts of a fantasy that I have dreamt of incessantly, day after day, and refuse to overcome it. Until the dream becomes a reality, I will probably not shift my focus.
Funny, how all thoughts seem to revolve around it. Maybe, because I refuse to be drawn into anything else. One heck of an asshole, I am. The day goes out and day comes in, and the time in between goes without mentioning a word of use.
There's seriously nothing that I am good at, except, self-presentation. Come across the age, boy, come across it. But no! how can I possibly ? There are a lot of silly ways to distract myself. Yearning hard, hoping badly, wishing that there would be that day. But when it comes, if it ever does, there won't be much to it. And even knowing all this, I refuse to give up. Why? Because I don't believe in what I am saying and I want to hear it.

Sorry for some lack of coherence.

Heartless.

So many lights to cast a shadow,
But I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
Nothing you can say can stop me go out
But where's your heart ?
Yet, theres nothing I can say
to change that part.
But I want you to stay
no matter what.
Yet, where's your heart ?
Yet, where's your heart ?

So many words to cast a spell
But I will not speak coz I can't
Nothing you can say can open my mouth
But where's your heart ?

See you lying next to me,
Asleep or dead, I may never know.
With words I thought I would never speak,
Awake and unafraid,
I kneel before you.
Yet, where's your heart ?
Yet, where's your heart ?

An Ode to God

Ok Bloody Lord! Haven't you seen me down here ?
All in pieces, yet in one and yet more to come
You gave me a bloody head and a fucking nose
But its not about that I am morose.
You made me think, even about you.
And I proved you didn't exist.
Still, here I am, giving you an ode
Rather, a complaint against an unsatisfactory abode.
I yelled out, watched my own eyes
Till it got sore and I had to shut it out.
So, if you think you can get me out of this mess
Do send a reply soon.

A New Found Purpose of Existence

Thiruvananthapuram Branch of SIRC of I.C.A.I., P.B.No.416, T.C.41/401, Pound Road, Thycaud, Thiruvananthapuram - 695 014

Desire

Within the inner folds, inspite of all the logics
lies the governing wilderness, the incognito.

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

"My dear brother, I am not despondent and have not lost heart. Life is life.......everywhere. There will always be people around me, to remain a human being among them, to be always humane in the face of misfortune, to keep one's courage and not to fall - that is what life is about, that is my supreme challenge"